FK Strathcarnage, GWC Runners Up!

Yes, in their first full-time season, FK Strathcarnage - pride of the Black Mountain with a strong Montenegrin flavour - embarked on a glorious, but ultimately unsuccessful, journey through the rounds of the Game World Cup. Many a legend was created along the way (as in players doing stuff you remember, not legends in the Golden Fleece sense), with many a nailbiting finish - not least the quarter-final against Pharoahe Monch where following the dismissal of "Uncle" Vanja Dzaferovic in the 24th minute (and an injury to Lovro Scrbec in the 9th) the 'Carnage fought a desperate rearguard action for a further hour and a half before emerging victorious after a penalty shootout.

The final - against FC Census, ranked 34th in the world (a full three hundred places above the 'Carnage) got off to an inauspicious start when, after 23 minutes of cautious sparring, Census hit the 'Carnage on the break to go one up through Louis Pedro. Rather than buckle though, this stung the 'Carnage into action and they hit back almost immediately through the impressive young Serb Veljko Vukovic on the 25 minute mark. Then, unfortunately, it went a bit wrong. After a soft booking in the 18th minute, young Bosnian midfielder Mehmed Alispahic tangled innocuously with Bogdanovic in the 27th minute. To his dismay, out came the card again, and off he went. There was to be no repeat of the 10 man QF heroics unfortunately, although they did hold out until the 57th minute before Holenda scored what proved to be the winning goal for FC Census. Alispahic was inconsolable after the match, but he can hold his head high having been an invaluable part of the fairytale cup run.

To commemorate the achievement, FK Strathcarnage have revamped both club badge and kit (yeah, I know. Any excuse). This is also to reflect their proud Montenegrin identity, an identity that is cemented with every passing day and signing - there are still Serbs, Croats, Bosnians, Slovenes and a lonely Turk is the squad, but the club's heart, soul and Academy is in Podgorica. It will be a struggle for such a small club from a nation of less than 700,000 people to compete at the very highest level, but as they've shown already in the inaugural Ramos Gameworld Cup, it's a challenge they're ready for.


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FC Boby Dvro: A Badge Retrospective

The badge of the mighty Dvronians underwent a number of changes back in the semi-professional mists of pre-Valderrama time. This was mainly due to me. And by mainly, I mean pretty much entirely. The manger of FC Boby Dvro was far too busy doing dull things like "managing his team" and "buying the right players" to bother with such life-enhancing wonders as team badges. And by "life-enhancing wonders" I mean pointless frippery that I happen to like.

An early version, rejected by the team itself. Unsurprising, as it's a bit shit.



For a short time, the poor Dvronian players took to the park (and occasionally the football pitch) with this monstrosity stitched to their shirts (note: "hilarious" spelling mistake intentional):



A more lasting impact was made by this incarnation, one that remains popular with certain sections of the fanbase (accusations that this represents the mentally challenged section of the fanbase may or may not be unfounded). Can still be seen on occasion:



This was eventually supplanted by the hitherto longest lasting (although not most recent) badge, the one most closely associaetd with the Dvronians and their quiet struggle to "do quite well really, when you think about it" (it's the club motto):



Finally, during the infamous Zola SNCF (Single Nation Challenge Federation), the Dvronians took the bold, brave and utterly foolish move of theming the squad on nations ending in -guay, namely Paraguay and Uruguay (yes, it's two nations. Sue me). It may have utterly scuppered any hope of any success in that final season, but it did garner a new favourite club badge, the rather splendid effort below:



So there you have it. FC Boby Dvro, badge style.

Onion Terror Squad Evolution!

Like a giant footbally pokemon, the Onions have evolved once more. Nothing as drastic as last time, more a surge of sporty growing pains. After much dithering, the club has decided on a new badge and set of kits to replace the interim ones adopted following the Great German Abandonment.

It was deemed that the orangey kits were altogether too pompous for a club of Onion Terror's earthy roots. In it's place, the following have been unveiled.

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Well, it is club football, after all. Once the bulk of the squad modernisation (I'm being more ruthless than Rinus Michels in the 60s - although I don't sack people by telegram), there will be an updated squad bio, probably in time for Season 2 I should think. With luck and a fair wind, we might yet cling on to a top half finish, despite the upheaval.

Onion Terror Squad Apocalypse!

Alas, that is to be the last time an entry concerning Onion Terror FC will be prefaced with that badge. See, it all started last night, about the time Arjen "I run like a bid bald girl" Robben deftly shattered my beloved United's European dreams for another season. Cracking game, great entertainment, and well, if we were going to go out, I'd rather we went out with that approach and attitude. But, that's beside the point. We lost to a German team. A team from Germany. Granted, it was FC Hollywood and not the rather more dignified and likeable Borussia Mönchengladbach on which the Onions were themed, but all the same I'm sure you can see what's coming next...

Well, what is football for if not irrational, emotional, foolish reactions to things? In the spirit of be entertainingly daft, the Onion Terror board decided that, in the circumstances, it simply wouldn't be appropriate to maintain the current levels of Germanity in the club. And, entirely ignoring the fact it was Arjen Robben who indiviudally brought the crisis about, they decided to further infuriate the FML computer representations of footballers by wholeheartedly embracing the clog-wearing, caravan-towing, totaal voetball playing nation of the Netherlands.

Mad, innit? Fun though - the Dutch colonisation of the Terror has begun already, although the sheer amount of current and prospective squad alterations is best saved for another post. Oh, it's staying as Paul Breitner's Beard, by the way. 70's German football is exempt. Besides, Rob Rensenbrink's Giant Nose or Ruud Krol's Amusing Chunky Sweater aren't quite as snappy.

Goodbye to the Gunter Netzer Stadion, hello to the Afweergranaat Arena. Goodbye to bringing wingbacks back in a very 1990 5-3-2, hello to all pressing, all action, Totaal Voetball 4-3-3. Goodbye to current lofty league position too I expect, but no matter - fortune favours the brave (and football decapitates the mad, possibly), onwards and upwards, wearing clogs!

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Up the Windmills!

Strathcarnage Transfer Activity 3

Things have been on the up down the Carnage Bowl - the doughty band of young 'slavs (with a turkish left back) flying up the rankings, hovering around the top 5 in the youth section. However, the strain was telling - the high pressure system takes it's toll and, with fitness levels often ending under 40%, I thought it was time to bolster their ranks with some old heads, to take the heat off in the seniors and provide some squad resilience.

Out:
Caner Osmanpasa, 22, Turkey - giant centrehalf snapped up by Raufoss IL for £7k. Burak Inkaya is even more lonely now.


In:
Zelimir Terkes, 28, Bosnia - A wily striker, primarily for the poacher slot, take the strain off young Lovro Scrbec. Brought in from Gooners Utd for £16k and a well rounded striker (not in the Mick Quinn sense), Zeli has settled in quickly, netting 15 times in 25 unofficial comps already.
Milan Bogunovic, 26, Serbia - a tough tackling rightback, with good all round attributes, he's started as though he's always played for us, averaging well over 7 after 16 matches (including two league games). A long term club legend in the making, snaffled for buttons from free agency.
Vanja Dzaferovic, 27, Croatia - a steadying influence to bring along young Puncec in the first team, Vanja has also slotted in with the appearance of always having been there. Great mental attributes, nothing ruffles "Uncle" Vanja, complements the burly young enthusiasm of Puncec very well.



All in all, a pleasing week's work - should be well set for the first three seasons now, with money available for the right purchase should they present themselves, with the ranks being bolstered by academy graduates soon. All very much in contrast with the seismic upheaval going on over at the Onions, but more on that later...

Onion Terror Transfer Activity 2

I said after 3pm. I didn't say how long after it would be.

It wasn't an April Fool's, but neither did we sign the big German centreback we'd been after. Gazumped at the last minute. Tsk. However...

With negotiations running into the early hours (yes, they unlocked at 1:07am. I'm trying to jazz it up, join in), Onion Terror are pleased to announce the capture of the highly promising young German centreback Andre Werner. At just 22 (and exhibiting 4.5 stars of potential with JP5), the Onions have high hopes for young Andre. Physically good, impressive mentals for his age and the necessary technicals for the Onions very German style, Andre very much fits the bill, and announced himself in impressive style with an opening rating of 7.53 in his opening (unofficial competition) match.

He didn't come cheap, and he is likely to represent the last dip into the transfer market in the opening season, but with the Youth Academy complete and looking to produce players from next Monday, the squad should hopefully start to have a more German flavour to it (would probably be bratwurst, then).

Onion Terror Transfer Rumour 1

Could it be? Are Die Schrecken finally going to make a second signing (adding to the pre-season capture of Roar "the Norwegian Pele" Malmo)? Could it even be *gasp* another German to add to capable goalkeeper Tino Schmidt and token "signed from initial pool just because he is German, despite being awful" compatriot Ahmet Wagner?

Rumour has it that the target in question is to bolster the defence (if you'd seen Jose Velasco play, you'd know why), and that if it comes off, it could lead to the promising Brazilian centre-half Diniz packing his bags and slinging his Brazilian hook for pastures new.

Eyes peeled, news after 3 (hopefully, unless some sod gazumps me).