Onion Terror Squad Evolution!

Like a giant footbally pokemon, the Onions have evolved once more. Nothing as drastic as last time, more a surge of sporty growing pains. After much dithering, the club has decided on a new badge and set of kits to replace the interim ones adopted following the Great German Abandonment.

It was deemed that the orangey kits were altogether too pompous for a club of Onion Terror's earthy roots. In it's place, the following have been unveiled.

Badge:



Home:


Away:



Well, it is club football, after all. Once the bulk of the squad modernisation (I'm being more ruthless than Rinus Michels in the 60s - although I don't sack people by telegram), there will be an updated squad bio, probably in time for Season 2 I should think. With luck and a fair wind, we might yet cling on to a top half finish, despite the upheaval.

Onion Terror Squad Apocalypse!

Alas, that is to be the last time an entry concerning Onion Terror FC will be prefaced with that badge. See, it all started last night, about the time Arjen "I run like a bid bald girl" Robben deftly shattered my beloved United's European dreams for another season. Cracking game, great entertainment, and well, if we were going to go out, I'd rather we went out with that approach and attitude. But, that's beside the point. We lost to a German team. A team from Germany. Granted, it was FC Hollywood and not the rather more dignified and likeable Borussia Mönchengladbach on which the Onions were themed, but all the same I'm sure you can see what's coming next...

Well, what is football for if not irrational, emotional, foolish reactions to things? In the spirit of be entertainingly daft, the Onion Terror board decided that, in the circumstances, it simply wouldn't be appropriate to maintain the current levels of Germanity in the club. And, entirely ignoring the fact it was Arjen Robben who indiviudally brought the crisis about, they decided to further infuriate the FML computer representations of footballers by wholeheartedly embracing the clog-wearing, caravan-towing, totaal voetball playing nation of the Netherlands.

Mad, innit? Fun though - the Dutch colonisation of the Terror has begun already, although the sheer amount of current and prospective squad alterations is best saved for another post. Oh, it's staying as Paul Breitner's Beard, by the way. 70's German football is exempt. Besides, Rob Rensenbrink's Giant Nose or Ruud Krol's Amusing Chunky Sweater aren't quite as snappy.

Goodbye to the Gunter Netzer Stadion, hello to the Afweergranaat Arena. Goodbye to bringing wingbacks back in a very 1990 5-3-2, hello to all pressing, all action, Totaal Voetball 4-3-3. Goodbye to current lofty league position too I expect, but no matter - fortune favours the brave (and football decapitates the mad, possibly), onwards and upwards, wearing clogs!

Badge:



Home:



Away:



Up the Windmills!

Onion Terror & Strathcarnage: Why Theme?

Why theme? It's fun! Why these particular themes, German and Yugoslav? A product of my age and the exotic football influences of my youth. These days, all football, everywhere, is far too readily accessible, the mystery has somewhat gone. Back then though, everything seemed so much more appealling by its scarcity. Paul Breitner had a massive beard! Who knew! I didn't, until he turned up on Superstars. Immenseley skilled midfielders could be built like brick shithouses, who knew! I didn't, until I saw a picture of Gunter Netzer. Then, of course, Kick Off 2 (god bles you Dino Dini) had a set of genius all-time classic teams. Gunter was in that, and sublime (not like the weasel faced Wolfgang Overath). Borussia Mönchengladbach, when you're 7, sounds like the coolest thing in the world.

Greatest single personal performance I ever witnessed was from Dejan Savicevic for Milan against United, at United. It was amazing to think that the little Montenegrin genius was even considered an automatic choice at Milan at the time, he played like a magician (only with hats, rabbits, levitation and dismembered women). The Yugoslav team of 1990 was a genuinely talented side, plenty of silky skills on display, the way football should be played.

So, yeah. Influences and that. Der Zwiebeln are German, and Strathcarnage are FYR. Deal with it. Or not, see if I care.

Strathcarnage: A History

Strathcarnage doesn't really have a history. Started as a disgruntled offshoot of the Onions (basically, I wondered what it would be like if I started a team when I actually sort of knew what I was doing), it was soon left abandoned. Fortunately for them, the abandonment coincided with the Great FML Reset Announcement and subsequent free period, so they never properly went away. Thus, with the announcement of two kinds of GW - Fantasy (all generated players) and Returning Stars (real players who come back from the dead, but not as zombies), the Carnage were reborn, with a Former Yugoslav Republic theme.

Onion Terror: A History (Forward, Glorious Onions!)

Whilst the Italian glory years were unfolding for the Onions, FML itself was going through upheavals. A reset was announced, marking the sudden and extreme termination of all players in the near future. As the date came closer, a new Zola competition was proposed - the Single Nation Challenge Federation (choo choo).



In my vast and possibly foolish sense of fairness, I decreed it would be unfair to enter the Cipolle, as I'd been working on the squad identity for a number of seasons - everyone else would be cobbling a team together in a hurry. So, out went the Italians (a tearful moment), in came some money, out went some money, in came a bunch of Russians.

Badge:


Kit:


Despite some early promise and briefly lifting the team reputation to an all time high, the experiment was ultimately undone by a complete lack of available Russian defenders and, for the final part of the GW life (a sadly curtained final season), and embryonic German theme was adopted, one that is now integral to the reborn Onions!

Onion Terror: A History (Il Cipolle Terrore)

See, what happened was, after a flurry of rebuilding, The Onions found themselves mostly populated by Italians. The entire defence, including the keeper, in fact. "Hey", they thought to themselves, "wouldn't it be good if ALL the players were Italian?". And so it was. As inspiration, they took Il Grande Torino - no, not a car or a grumpy, reactionary film featuring a wizened Clint Eastwood, but the greatest Italian club side in the history of football. For more about their tragic story (one close to my own heart, what with me being a Manchester United fan), go and read about the achievements here and the tragedy here. Genuine tactical attention was paid by the manager (me) for the first time in the club's history (a system influenced by a very Carlo Ancellotti style 442 diamond, with hints of England in 1966) and the club sported a new badge and kit to commemorate:

Badge:


Home Kit:


Away Kit:


On the pitch, things *gasp* started to go well. With a fully assembled squad of biscotti-obsessives - Tripepi pulling the strings as a deep-lying play maker, Mantioni provided elegant bite (Gattuso style - Francesco was also a product of the Oniony youth system) in the midfield, Piovesan a colossus between the posts, Pedrocchi, Squeri and Paloschi reaping the benefits upfront - results just kept coming. Rankings were climbed, the top fifty was broken into and Il Cipolle Terrore became a regular fixture up there. For about a season, at which point I did my usual trick of ruining it for them all...

Onion Terror FC: A History (the Early Years)

Onion Terror have a history. Some would say glorious, but that would mostly be mentalists and alcoholics. But, a history they have, and this is it.

They started life as a hodge podge side on the since deceased GW Zola. They were founded in a flurry of excitement, excitement that soon waned despite having Tim Howard in the starting squad. I think Tim's constant swearing at Vasily Berezutsky was a contributing factor (although having seen a picture of Vasily's squashed up Russian head, I think Tim was just using the Tourette's as an excuse). Early "stars" of the initial incarnation included tiny Hungarian winger Vladimir Koman, tiny Brazilian striker Vandinho and tiny Argentinian midfielder Walter Montillo. In fact, at times, it resembled as much a troupe of performing midgets as a football team. Matches were played with a cavalier 442 formation and an utter disregard for tactics. Still, they proudly displayed the first club crest and sported their first club strip:



They carried on doing this with little notable success for around about five seasons. During this time the very fabric of the club was threatened due to terrible stewardship and neglect (basically, I went away on business and messed up all my contract renewals and lost some of my most promising players. Idiot). In subsequent seasons they tried some new kits, the odd new badge, even dabbled with the idea of applying tactics. Lumbering Dutch genius Nacer Barazite came (and went), as did the Czech club scoring legend Martin Fenin. Then, due to a curious twist of player signing fate, they themselves on the brink of a brand new club identity...

Kick Off!

No, not the game, sadly. Sorry Dino Dini. No, what with this being a football themed sort of thing (albeit pretend computery football played on an enormous spreadsheet), I thought I'd start with a suitably footbally comment. So I did, up there.

So yes. Football Manager Live. The best waste of time since staring out of the window was invented (shortly after the invention of boredom and windows). Sucks hours out of your life, some money out of your bank account, and convinces you it's a good thing. And it is! Never have tiny dot-like representations of footballers been more appealling.

So this is my chronicle of my the history of my two glorious examples of footballing mediocrity, Onion Terror FC (Fantasy GW Valderrama) and Strathcarnage (RS GW Ramos).

Enjoy. Or don't. Like I care, cementhead.