Season 1 Round-ups: Onion Terror & Strathcarnage

Game World Cup runners up, 4th place in the 1st season of qualifying, lots of money and Simon Vukcevic in the bank, 58% Montenegrin - things worked out quite well for the brave battlers of FK Strathcarnage in the first season. However, the headline figures mask the signs of struggle to come. Certainly, the run to the GWC final was impressive, but it was very much a one off - all other cup comps were exited really very early on. And whilst they were very comfortably 4th - getting on for 20 points clear of 5th - they were pretty much the same distance from the top 2. Which puts them on target for a lower middling finish in season 2's version of qualifying. Which, in turn, emperils the primary goal of each of the qualifying seasons, which is to finish top half and qualify for the comp with the maximum rep and money the next season. So, whilst acknowledging the achievements made, there will be no laurel-resting down at the Carnage Bowl. We've a fight on our hands season 2, and it's up to us to ensure we're up to the task.




Endless turmoil, so much so that the badge is now out of date. Again. German, Dutch, now Mexican. And, knowing the meddling nature of the board at the Onions (i.e. me), there's probably no guarantee that this nationality will stick. Pretty much every knockout competition taken too literally and knocked out of as early as possible. Money thrown down the drain. But, despite all that, League Champions! A fine run of form over the last few games, coupled with stuttering form by the other challengers, saw the Onions surge through the field to take the title. Against all manner of odds, too.


(pretend computer) Football. Bloody hell.

Onion Terror Squad Evolution!

Like a giant footbally pokemon, the Onions have evolved once more. Nothing as drastic as last time, more a surge of sporty growing pains. After much dithering, the club has decided on a new badge and set of kits to replace the interim ones adopted following the Great German Abandonment.

It was deemed that the orangey kits were altogether too pompous for a club of Onion Terror's earthy roots. In it's place, the following have been unveiled.

Badge:



Home:


Away:



Well, it is club football, after all. Once the bulk of the squad modernisation (I'm being more ruthless than Rinus Michels in the 60s - although I don't sack people by telegram), there will be an updated squad bio, probably in time for Season 2 I should think. With luck and a fair wind, we might yet cling on to a top half finish, despite the upheaval.

Onion Terror Squad Apocalypse!

Alas, that is to be the last time an entry concerning Onion Terror FC will be prefaced with that badge. See, it all started last night, about the time Arjen "I run like a bid bald girl" Robben deftly shattered my beloved United's European dreams for another season. Cracking game, great entertainment, and well, if we were going to go out, I'd rather we went out with that approach and attitude. But, that's beside the point. We lost to a German team. A team from Germany. Granted, it was FC Hollywood and not the rather more dignified and likeable Borussia Mönchengladbach on which the Onions were themed, but all the same I'm sure you can see what's coming next...

Well, what is football for if not irrational, emotional, foolish reactions to things? In the spirit of be entertainingly daft, the Onion Terror board decided that, in the circumstances, it simply wouldn't be appropriate to maintain the current levels of Germanity in the club. And, entirely ignoring the fact it was Arjen Robben who indiviudally brought the crisis about, they decided to further infuriate the FML computer representations of footballers by wholeheartedly embracing the clog-wearing, caravan-towing, totaal voetball playing nation of the Netherlands.

Mad, innit? Fun though - the Dutch colonisation of the Terror has begun already, although the sheer amount of current and prospective squad alterations is best saved for another post. Oh, it's staying as Paul Breitner's Beard, by the way. 70's German football is exempt. Besides, Rob Rensenbrink's Giant Nose or Ruud Krol's Amusing Chunky Sweater aren't quite as snappy.

Goodbye to the Gunter Netzer Stadion, hello to the Afweergranaat Arena. Goodbye to bringing wingbacks back in a very 1990 5-3-2, hello to all pressing, all action, Totaal Voetball 4-3-3. Goodbye to current lofty league position too I expect, but no matter - fortune favours the brave (and football decapitates the mad, possibly), onwards and upwards, wearing clogs!

Badge:



Home:



Away:



Up the Windmills!

Onion Terror Transfer Activity 2

I said after 3pm. I didn't say how long after it would be.

It wasn't an April Fool's, but neither did we sign the big German centreback we'd been after. Gazumped at the last minute. Tsk. However...

With negotiations running into the early hours (yes, they unlocked at 1:07am. I'm trying to jazz it up, join in), Onion Terror are pleased to announce the capture of the highly promising young German centreback Andre Werner. At just 22 (and exhibiting 4.5 stars of potential with JP5), the Onions have high hopes for young Andre. Physically good, impressive mentals for his age and the necessary technicals for the Onions very German style, Andre very much fits the bill, and announced himself in impressive style with an opening rating of 7.53 in his opening (unofficial competition) match.

He didn't come cheap, and he is likely to represent the last dip into the transfer market in the opening season, but with the Youth Academy complete and looking to produce players from next Monday, the squad should hopefully start to have a more German flavour to it (would probably be bratwurst, then).

Onion Terror Transfer Rumour 1

Could it be? Are Die Schrecken finally going to make a second signing (adding to the pre-season capture of Roar "the Norwegian Pele" Malmo)? Could it even be *gasp* another German to add to capable goalkeeper Tino Schmidt and token "signed from initial pool just because he is German, despite being awful" compatriot Ahmet Wagner?

Rumour has it that the target in question is to bolster the defence (if you'd seen Jose Velasco play, you'd know why), and that if it comes off, it could lead to the promising Brazilian centre-half Diniz packing his bags and slinging his Brazilian hook for pastures new.

Eyes peeled, news after 3 (hopefully, unless some sod gazumps me).

Onion Terror Transfer Activity 1

Out:
Young Scottish Midfield prospect has moved to Chris Sawyer's Essex Town FC for £12k.
Striking prospect Andre has moved to Connor Raeside's Raeside's 11 for £28k.


In:
30 year old Norwegian striker Roar Malmo (splendid name) has been signed from the free agent list for £15.8k/

Onion Terror: Valderrama Pre-Season

Badge:


Home:


Away:


And so it began. The new dawn for Borussia Oniongladbach, a new world, a new start, a whole new opportunity to make a pig's ear of matters. First, there was the matter of the starting squad. Unfortunately, the pool to choose from only contained two Germans, so the theming was off to a bad start.


Goalkeepers
1. Tino Schmidt, 28, Germany. Currently first choice, solid and dependable rather than stupendous.

13. Steinar Nilsen, 23, Norway. Tino's understudy, but with an uncertain future. Has performed well when called upon then, currently showing as 3 star prospect.



Defenders
5. Jose Velasco, 23, Spain. Claims to be a centreback, but evidence would suggest he isn't even a professional footballer. Can jump, though, which is helpful for getting jars from high shelves. Currently showing as a 3 star prospect, but facing a life on the Spanish dole.

6 Youssef Al-Shemmari, 29, Saudi Arabia. An elegant centreback who can adeptly fill-in at DM when required, Youssef has been performing well and definitely has a future at the Gunter Netzer Stadion beyond the opening season.

2 Massimo Campo, 22, Belgium. At 6'3", Massimo doesn't fit the stereotype of the flying wingback, but that's exactly what he is - a Belgian Hans-Pieter Briegel. Although only showing as a 3 star prospect, he has been playing well and will likely be one of the last to fall victim to the German theme.

3 Juan Pablo Mannara, 19, Argentina. Probably the pick of the starting bunch. An excellent wingback (would be just as happy in midfield) with frightening pace and a very bright future. A 4 star prospect currently, he will take some shifting. They speak a fair bit of German in Argentina, right?

12 Flavio Luiz Diniz, 18, Brazil. Young, three and half star prospect centreback. Keeping Velasco out of the side, but a likely candidate for transfer once a more suitable senior German becomes available.



Midfielders
4. Joaquin Hernandez, 25, Spanish. The fulcrum of the side, has already notched a hattrick of penalties in a single friendly. Already a key onion.

8 Damir Hajdinjak, 26, Slovenia. Adds bite in the MC two (just ahead of Hernandez. Steadily increasing in value, another early key onion.

17 Ahmet Wagner, 21, Germany. Second of the Germans in the initial pool, and chosen on this basis. Very quick. but only currently showing as 2.5 star prospect, and it shows. Possibly not the brightest of futures for little Ahmet, I'm afraid.

15 Aleksandar Bogdanov, 19, Bulgaria. First reserve for the advanced midfield role, Aleks could still go either way (in footballing terms, pervert). Currently showing 3 stars of potential.

7 Yaw Johnson, 26, Ghana. First of two Ghanaians, Yaw is a quick, athletic allrounder of a mid. Does the charging about whilst Damir does the crunching tackles. Has been doing it well, too.

18 Mustapha Owusu, 21, Ghana. Second of the two Ghanaians and, despite early promise, is very much in the shadow of Yaw. A similar style of player, although less quick, he's currently sporting two and a half stars of potential.

20 Michael Russell, 15, Scotland. Three stars of potential at present for a very bright midfield prospect. Would likely be better suited to a youth oriented team to maximise that potential (which is why he was subsequently sold to Essex Town FC)



Forwards
10 Grezgorz Szewcyzk, 22, Poland. Equally at home in the advanced midfield as in attack, Greg has been turning in some good performaces, but also has a tendency to fade towards the end of a match. Jury is still out, currently showing 3 stars of PA.

11 Leonardo Perez, 23, Argentina. A fixture in the deep lying striker role, Lenny is the fan favourite (probably due to his 3 stars of rep. They're easily impressed). Performs to a consistently high level, belying the current 3.5 stars of potential.

9 Leonardo, 23, Brazil. One for the advanced striker/poacher role, Lenny 2 has a tendency to blow hot and cold. Sublime on his day though, currently sporting 3.5 stars of PA.

21 Andre, 18, Brazil. Quick, brave and with a good eye for goal, this 3.5 star prospect has since been sold on to Raeside's 11.

Managerial Choices (Post-Reset)

Onion Terror came out of the reset with significantly more bonus skillpoints to allocate than Strathcarnage (due to existing longer), but the primary motivations behind the allocations were the choices of GW type.

Onion Terror (Fantasy GW):
A single nation theme, no real-life players, no Returning Stars. A focus on youth and long term development. With this in mind, the two specialisations were Coaching and Scouting. Strong all round coaching and JP5 are the two main benefits. A single academy is being built in Germany, with no plans for any more. Most non-specialities were bumped to level 3 if possible, with learning skills the other main beneficiary. Quicker, ultimately accurate assessments, and a productive coaching environment for the prospective Kinderzwiebel.


Strathcarnage (Returning Stars GW):
A multi-nation theme, so a single large academy would prove less useful. As would a large dependency on youth production itself. So, the choices here were Infrastructure and Management. Finance 5 and Commercial 4, Academy Operation and Construction 4, 3s most other appropriate places. Currently one small academy under construction (in Montenegro), with the long term plan to complement it with another small academy (either Serbian or Croatian), but still spending less overall than the Onions. Income maximised where possible, savings on stadium expansion, overall goal of maximising available cash for the release of the higher valule FYR players (and eventually Returning Stars).

Onion Terror & Strathcarnage: Why Theme?

Why theme? It's fun! Why these particular themes, German and Yugoslav? A product of my age and the exotic football influences of my youth. These days, all football, everywhere, is far too readily accessible, the mystery has somewhat gone. Back then though, everything seemed so much more appealling by its scarcity. Paul Breitner had a massive beard! Who knew! I didn't, until he turned up on Superstars. Immenseley skilled midfielders could be built like brick shithouses, who knew! I didn't, until I saw a picture of Gunter Netzer. Then, of course, Kick Off 2 (god bles you Dino Dini) had a set of genius all-time classic teams. Gunter was in that, and sublime (not like the weasel faced Wolfgang Overath). Borussia Mönchengladbach, when you're 7, sounds like the coolest thing in the world.

Greatest single personal performance I ever witnessed was from Dejan Savicevic for Milan against United, at United. It was amazing to think that the little Montenegrin genius was even considered an automatic choice at Milan at the time, he played like a magician (only with hats, rabbits, levitation and dismembered women). The Yugoslav team of 1990 was a genuinely talented side, plenty of silky skills on display, the way football should be played.

So, yeah. Influences and that. Der Zwiebeln are German, and Strathcarnage are FYR. Deal with it. Or not, see if I care.

Onion Terror: A History (Forward, Glorious Onions!)

Whilst the Italian glory years were unfolding for the Onions, FML itself was going through upheavals. A reset was announced, marking the sudden and extreme termination of all players in the near future. As the date came closer, a new Zola competition was proposed - the Single Nation Challenge Federation (choo choo).



In my vast and possibly foolish sense of fairness, I decreed it would be unfair to enter the Cipolle, as I'd been working on the squad identity for a number of seasons - everyone else would be cobbling a team together in a hurry. So, out went the Italians (a tearful moment), in came some money, out went some money, in came a bunch of Russians.

Badge:


Kit:


Despite some early promise and briefly lifting the team reputation to an all time high, the experiment was ultimately undone by a complete lack of available Russian defenders and, for the final part of the GW life (a sadly curtained final season), and embryonic German theme was adopted, one that is now integral to the reborn Onions!

Onion Terror: A History (Il Cipolle Terrore)

See, what happened was, after a flurry of rebuilding, The Onions found themselves mostly populated by Italians. The entire defence, including the keeper, in fact. "Hey", they thought to themselves, "wouldn't it be good if ALL the players were Italian?". And so it was. As inspiration, they took Il Grande Torino - no, not a car or a grumpy, reactionary film featuring a wizened Clint Eastwood, but the greatest Italian club side in the history of football. For more about their tragic story (one close to my own heart, what with me being a Manchester United fan), go and read about the achievements here and the tragedy here. Genuine tactical attention was paid by the manager (me) for the first time in the club's history (a system influenced by a very Carlo Ancellotti style 442 diamond, with hints of England in 1966) and the club sported a new badge and kit to commemorate:

Badge:


Home Kit:


Away Kit:


On the pitch, things *gasp* started to go well. With a fully assembled squad of biscotti-obsessives - Tripepi pulling the strings as a deep-lying play maker, Mantioni provided elegant bite (Gattuso style - Francesco was also a product of the Oniony youth system) in the midfield, Piovesan a colossus between the posts, Pedrocchi, Squeri and Paloschi reaping the benefits upfront - results just kept coming. Rankings were climbed, the top fifty was broken into and Il Cipolle Terrore became a regular fixture up there. For about a season, at which point I did my usual trick of ruining it for them all...

Onion Terror FC: A History (the Early Years)

Onion Terror have a history. Some would say glorious, but that would mostly be mentalists and alcoholics. But, a history they have, and this is it.

They started life as a hodge podge side on the since deceased GW Zola. They were founded in a flurry of excitement, excitement that soon waned despite having Tim Howard in the starting squad. I think Tim's constant swearing at Vasily Berezutsky was a contributing factor (although having seen a picture of Vasily's squashed up Russian head, I think Tim was just using the Tourette's as an excuse). Early "stars" of the initial incarnation included tiny Hungarian winger Vladimir Koman, tiny Brazilian striker Vandinho and tiny Argentinian midfielder Walter Montillo. In fact, at times, it resembled as much a troupe of performing midgets as a football team. Matches were played with a cavalier 442 formation and an utter disregard for tactics. Still, they proudly displayed the first club crest and sported their first club strip:



They carried on doing this with little notable success for around about five seasons. During this time the very fabric of the club was threatened due to terrible stewardship and neglect (basically, I went away on business and messed up all my contract renewals and lost some of my most promising players. Idiot). In subsequent seasons they tried some new kits, the odd new badge, even dabbled with the idea of applying tactics. Lumbering Dutch genius Nacer Barazite came (and went), as did the Czech club scoring legend Martin Fenin. Then, due to a curious twist of player signing fate, they themselves on the brink of a brand new club identity...

Kick Off!

No, not the game, sadly. Sorry Dino Dini. No, what with this being a football themed sort of thing (albeit pretend computery football played on an enormous spreadsheet), I thought I'd start with a suitably footbally comment. So I did, up there.

So yes. Football Manager Live. The best waste of time since staring out of the window was invented (shortly after the invention of boredom and windows). Sucks hours out of your life, some money out of your bank account, and convinces you it's a good thing. And it is! Never have tiny dot-like representations of footballers been more appealling.

So this is my chronicle of my the history of my two glorious examples of footballing mediocrity, Onion Terror FC (Fantasy GW Valderrama) and Strathcarnage (RS GW Ramos).

Enjoy. Or don't. Like I care, cementhead.